tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5594674.post-91396060099204001032007-10-23T20:43:00.001-06:002007-10-23T20:43:57.287-06:00<h2>A haunting past</h2><br />Bit by bit the details came out. She talked of a life ruled by drugs. Now 5 months clean, she is haunted by her past. There are her three children, none of whom live with her. The 4 year old was born drug addicted, the 11 year old calls her by her first name, and her two year old is growing up without her in his life. She was crying as she told stories of her past. She was ashamed and sorry. Her present life is mired by the sludge of her previous actions.<br /><br />"I'm trying," she said, "But nothing seems to be improving." Between school, work, and living with a friend, she is tired and has difficulty concentrating. Her mind often asks unanswerable questions that start with that three letter word, "why?" Then there are the "If only's." All exercises of vanity. The past cannot be changed. What is done is done.<br /><br />Her harshest critic is herself. "My friends at work like me," she said with her voice shaking and dobbing at tears with a tissue. "They all think I am funny and a good worker, but when I get home all I can do is think about the things I have done. I feel like I am losing my mind."<br /><br />She is on an emotional merry-go-round that won't stop. She can't sleep, she can't think. All she does is cry and hope she does not return to the drugs like she has the other times. At some point, she may say those fateful words, "F it," and then the gates of hell will open up and swallow her one more time.<br /><br />So far though, she is holding on. She is determined to make it this time. She is working on her GED. She is working to make some money so she can get out on her own, but she is having a hard go of it. <br /><br />When she had her say, I began to talk: <blockquote>You're not losing your mind. You are in the process of finding it. For a long time you have been doing things that have been against your own values, but the drugs didn't let that hit you. Now they are wearing off and the impact of what you have done is sinking in. This is a process of healing. You feel guilt and shame and rightfully so. The purpose of those feelings is to make you sorry and to make you change your behavior so it won't happen again. In the past you have used drugs to deal with bad feelings. You can handle this. You caused this and you can fix it. You cannot change the past, but you can change your behavior so you do not repeat the past. It is not about what you did, but what you will do.</blockquote>Recovery is a lot of things. One of them is forgiving yourself. People believe that God can forgive them. They can accept forgiveness from friends, but they often cannot forgive themselves. The trick is to use the present to make a future that will leave the past behind. It takes time and patience, which is another hard thing for addicts used to changing their mood by smoking some crack or popping a pill.<br /><br />I think she will make it, but it is more about what she thinks and what she does.<br /><br />Good luck girl.<br /><br />Until the next time<br />John StrainJohn Strainhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05453617294405385771noreply@blogger.com